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November 08, 2015, 10:54:37 AM
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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers'
attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam
fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you
calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I
caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a
couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to
cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't
know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the
dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He
responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking
potatoes!"

November 08, 2015, 10:56:10 AM
Reply #61
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his
father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their
babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The
child then went to his mother, asked her the same
question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we
evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back
to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied,
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."



November 08, 2015, 10:57:32 AM
Reply #62
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family
when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies
come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and
says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get
married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss
and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so
the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby,
honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but
the other night when I came into your room you had
daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you
do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”


November 09, 2015, 04:54:40 PM
Reply #63
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Alan Carr Stand Up Jokes
"People always name their kids famous names now don't
they? Well I was in Tesco the other day and the woman
serving me was called 'Umm.. Danon (8)'"
"Send this on to ten friends" Ten? If I had ten friends I
wouldn't be reading this shit! I'd be booking city breaks
and having sleepovers with my TEN friends.
"When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team
sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there.
And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat!
One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop"
"I'll just have a napkin and a breadstick" (eating out in
restaurants before he was famous)
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat,
goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an
Elton John tribute act!
"i undercut her with a wet wipe" (the 'orange girls' in
boots)
That is the thing with comedy, sometimes I'm sitting at
home and I've written a joke and I am laughing "this is
really funny" and then you do it on stage and you get.....
(silence).
"i knocked a whole display over in poundland, �4 worth
of damage" (wrestling a tramp in poundland)
I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. "You don't
have to be mad to work her, but it helps." Mind you,
she's written it in her own shit.
I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.
Cause there are so many comedians out now, so you
have to find a joke that hasn't been said already, you
have to find an area that no one is talking about,
it's....tough.
I got on the property ladder this year. It's murder getting
that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts,
looking at your mum and dad thinking, "If only they had
an accident".

November 09, 2015, 04:55:58 PM
Reply #64
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Bernard Manning Stand Up Jokes
Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a
stroke, the other one couldn't reach.
Man says to his wife: 'Pack your bags, I've won the pools.'
She says: 'What should I pack? Something light,
something warm? Where are we going?'
He says: 'We're going nowhere. Just pack your bags and
fuck off.'
I don't believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did
hear that when two taxis collided in
Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died
at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quite - 'very sad. He fell out of
the machine gun tower'.
I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right
miserable git. He doesn't like it when you join in.
So David, what about the stick after the Argentinian
game?
Oh, she was fine with it.
I feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when
they wake up in the morning, that's
the best they're going to feel all day.
A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, 'Do you want a
blow job?' He said, 'Will it affect me dole money?'
What's the difference between an Iraqi woman and a
pilchard?
One's ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other's a fish.
I have a pakistani who lives next door to me,
He said the other day to me "I'm a better man than you"
I said "I never said you fucking wasn't, but what makes
you think your a better man than me?"
He said "I don't have a fucking Paki, living next door to
me"
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a
group of kids.
He said, 'For the last time, I haven't got your football.'
I went to Anfield the other day to watch a match. A
scouse lad said, 'Can I mind your car for you mister?'
I said, 'No! And for your information, there's a Rottweiler
in the back.' The lad said: 'Put out fires, can he?'
Theres two fellas running down the road "Help! Help! a
lions escaped"
A passerby said "Which way did it go?"
One of the fellas says "you stupid cunt, you don't think
we're fuckin chasing it do ya?"
"Jackanory stuff, is for wimps. Grown men that work on
building sites don't want to hear 'ecky thump' and 'ooh
dammit'."
"I see they've found Donald Campbell's body - it came
out of a tap in Huddersfield!" Racist? Bigotted?
Unpleasant? No, just a keen and very funny observer of
human life.
A Yorkshire couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday,
but on arrival, the wife says "I won't be able to make
gravy with your dinner, love - I've forgotten the Bisto"
The husband says, "Don't worry, there's an English
couple staying in the next apartment, I'll see if they have
any"
So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and
says to the man" 'Allo, 'hast any Bisto"
To which the man replies "Piss off, you Spanish prat!""
When you tell a joke to a farmer, he laughs three times--
once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once
when he gets it. For farmers love to laugh.
When you tell a joke to a merchant, he laughs twice--
once when you tell it, and once when you explain it. But
although he is polite company, he will never understand
the joke.
When you tell a joke to an officer, he laughs once--when
you tell it. For he never gives you a chance to explain it,
and it goes without saying that he will never understand
it.
But when you tell a joke to a Jew, before you're even
finished he's interrupting you--he's heard that one
before, and "you're telling it all wrong!" So then he tells
you the joke--and in a much better version than your
own.


November 09, 2015, 05:00:46 PM
Reply #65
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Q: What cloud is so lazy because it will not get up?
A: Fog.
Q: Why don't meteorologists like to dine out on the
moon?
A: The moon has no atmosphere.
Q: Where do clouds go to the bathroom?
A: Anywhere they want
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud
Q: How can you wrap a cloud?
A: with a rainbow.
Q: What is a clouds favorite drink?
A: Mountain Dew
Q: What is it called when a high pressure goes on
vacation?
A: A Hiatus
Q: What do clouds want to be when they grow up?
A: Thunderstorms
Q: When is Monday coming?
A: MonSoon!
Q: What type of sense of humor does a dust storm have?
A: A very dry sense of humor.
Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.
Q: What did the rain cloud where under his rain coat?
A: Thunder wear!
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
A: UCLA
Why are you being so Cirrus?
We need a stratusgy
I'm cumulus


November 09, 2015, 05:02:03 PM
Reply #66
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The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was
going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the
Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the
village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone
booth and called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going
to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect
even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called
the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a
very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold
Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to
go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two
weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:
"Are you absolutely sure that the
Winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting
wood like crazy!"


November 09, 2015, 05:03:14 PM
Reply #67
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern
New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about
the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my
husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below
zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with
frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept
the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he
hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."


November 09, 2015, 05:04:08 PM
Reply #68
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the
owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good
deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager
asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"
The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first
day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't
hear him! Never again, never again!"


November 09, 2015, 05:05:47 PM
Reply #69
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We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people
walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to
their tongues!
Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and
begging to use the pressure cooker!
When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone
back in the spring!
The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every
new pair of eyeglasses!
Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom,
my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just
stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek
statue until spring.
UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical
weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers'
pockets just to keep them warm!
The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an
electric fence!
I chipped a tooth on my soup!
My Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
The dogs were wearing cats!
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for
the electric chair!
Terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot
chocolate!
Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only
got two chords.
We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we
could get out of our parkas!
When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we
milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what
someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences
and take them in by the fire!
The dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just
to get them running!
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no
women would take their clothes off.
We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled
inside it to warm up!
The Husky Association was making emergency service
calls to get the dog teams started!
When we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the
dogs - or keep them running in place!


November 09, 2015, 05:09:19 PM
Reply #70
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A Cyclone blew across the Pacific Rim. It didn't take long
for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves,
sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors:
the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus
who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was
crying and very upset that they would never be found.
Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing
against a tree.
"Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?" cried
Marcus. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll
never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus."
began the confident Dr. Smythe.
"Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and
another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same
amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very
well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to
each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities
each got a million dollars." stated Dr. Smythe.
"So what?" shouted Marcus.
"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I
know they're going to find me!" smiled Dr. Smythe.


November 09, 2015, 05:12:33 PM
Reply #71
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After the Revolution : The far right Tea Party extremists
get it together and overthrow the government. Then they
start rounding up politicians to execute.
A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and
George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot.
As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore
thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away."
He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the
firing squad.
As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if
there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the
wall behind him and runs away.
The firing squad turns their attention back to the two
men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well
Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE".
As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take
cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes.
The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to
take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he,
too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind
for another natural disaster to use.
Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".


November 14, 2015, 01:25:51 AM
Reply #72
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The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was
going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the
Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the
village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone
booth and called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going
to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect
even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called
the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a
very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold
Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to
go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two
weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:
"Are you absolutely sure that the
Winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting
wood like crazy!"


November 14, 2015, 01:26:51 AM
Reply #73
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern
New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about
the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my
husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below
zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with
frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept
the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he
hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."


November 14, 2015, 01:27:47 AM
Reply #74
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the
owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good
deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager
asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"
The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first
day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't
hear him! Never again, never again!"

November 14, 2015, 01:28:48 AM
Reply #75
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We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people
walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to
their tongues!
Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and
begging to use the pressure cooker!
When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone
back in the spring!
The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every
new pair of eyeglasses!
Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom,
my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just
stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek
statue until spring.
UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical
weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers'
pockets just to keep them warm!
The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an
electric fence!
I chipped a tooth on my soup!
My Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
The dogs were wearing cats!
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for
the electric chair!
Terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot
chocolate!
Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only
got two chords.
We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we
could get out of our parkas!
When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we
milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what
someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences
and take them in by the fire!
The dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just
to get them running!
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no
women would take their clothes off.
We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled
inside it to warm up!
The Husky Association was making emergency service
calls to get the dog teams started!
When we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the
dogs - or keep them running in place!


November 14, 2015, 01:29:54 AM
Reply #76
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I telephoned my Grandson in Indonesia this morning to
wish him a happy birthday.
But, I couldn't make much sense of what he was saying
cause there was a lot of background noise, probably
from the party.
They all kept shouting, "Big rave!! Big rave!!"


November 14, 2015, 01:30:48 AM
Reply #77
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The earthquake is now causing trouble for Japans
banking industry.
Origami bank has folded.
Sumo bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai bank has cut back some of its branches.
Karoake bank has been put up for sale and is going for a
song.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and
500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped

July 01, 2016, 04:11:22 PM
Reply #78
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Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus
turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career
going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has
gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good.
By the way how is the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much
as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have
some problems with my swing but I think I've got that
right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to
stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next
time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if
you are blind?" Jack asks.
" I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway
and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and
play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the
ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down
the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,"
explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front
of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground
and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play
a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so
I only play for money, and I never play for less than $
100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that.
When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

July 01, 2016, 04:14:44 PM
Reply #79
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1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at
 them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
 sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
 it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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