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November 05, 2015, 11:56:51 PM
Reply #40
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In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front
of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy
makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples."

November 06, 2015, 12:00:00 AM
Reply #41
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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and
another two cats and another two, how many would you
have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you
two apples, and another two apples and another two,
how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another
two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven
from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"


November 06, 2015, 12:05:59 AM
Reply #42
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Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind
Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One
day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble
hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one
hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his
brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started
looking in and under cars until a police man approached
him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game,"
the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer
questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the
policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The
boy replied, "Why, yes."

November 06, 2015, 12:07:26 AM
Reply #43
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A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that
you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And
if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will
give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then
asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The
idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says,
"Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but
sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very
hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $
5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what
was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $
5.

November 06, 2015, 12:10:28 AM
Reply #44
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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As
they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing
about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back
and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter,
the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She
leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

November 06, 2015, 12:11:26 AM
Reply #45
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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a
truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish.
The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God
snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person
said the same thing and God did the same thing. This
want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the
last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time
God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing
and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came,
he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."


November 06, 2015, 12:12:21 AM
Reply #46
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He
stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making
truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the
guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a
man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his
tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep &
I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me.
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it
was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab
to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my
wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my
house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I
leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up &
drink my poison."

November 06, 2015, 12:13:18 AM
Reply #47
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost
their bull. The women need to buy another, but only
have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the
market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If
I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market
and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she
goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one
dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the
blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the
telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come
with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead
replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta
bull.'"

November 07, 2015, 01:36:22 AM
Reply #48
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The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a
preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show
up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you
that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45
minutes.”

November 07, 2015, 01:37:14 AM
Reply #49
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My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away,
oblivious to the fact that her name tag had slipped down
over her breast. I asked another friend if I should say
something to her. “Like what?” she asked. “What she
named the other one?”

November 07, 2015, 01:38:19 AM
Reply #50
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Here’s a guide to American culture for Russians visiting
the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:
“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist
to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”
“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a
weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something
extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far
less booze.”
“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a
courtesy, and no more.”



November 07, 2015, 01:39:20 AM
Reply #51
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The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but
any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told
a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply:
“What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later,
when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded,
“Do you want the top or the bottom?”



November 07, 2015, 01:40:35 AM
Reply #52
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My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on
the ch sound, which came out k. The therapist asked him
to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried
again and again, but it always came out kitchen.
Undeterred, she …


November 07, 2015, 01:41:31 AM
Reply #53
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• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the
sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day. —
benSavageGardenState
• Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when he
abruptly stopped and said, “I’m done yelling at you. It
doesn…



November 07, 2015, 01:42:27 AM
Reply #54
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A welsh politician asked the government for information
about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research.
Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach
ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The
minister will …


November 08, 2015, 10:48:32 AM
Reply #55
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password
for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and
the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the
screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

November 08, 2015, 10:49:34 AM
Reply #56
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


November 08, 2015, 10:50:49 AM
Reply #57
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny
isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three
ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many
are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The
teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women
walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice
cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her
ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The
one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one
with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"


November 08, 2015, 10:51:51 AM
Reply #58
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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard
my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy
once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"



November 08, 2015, 10:53:34 AM
Reply #59
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On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is
asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is
white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for
all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican
walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my
people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black
guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says,
"This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy
off the roof.



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