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November 05, 2015, 12:51:26 AM
Reply #20
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Justin Bieber told police in Miami he had consumed
alcohol, smoked marijuana, and taken some prescription
drugs.
Or what Toronto mayor Rob Ford calls, a "light Canadian
snack."
What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your
boyfriend's bedroom?
Finding a box of tissues next to it.
What's the difference between a water bottle and
puberty?
A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
How do stories from Justin Biebers early childhood
begin?
"A few months ago"
Scientists have discovered a disease that lowers your
intelligence by 90%
Bieber Fever
Justin Bieber might be a pussy, but that's just because his
balls were roasted.
Justin Bieber has it all "except love, friends, good parents
and a Grammy." -Chris D'Elia
Did you hear about the album Snoop Dogg is producing
for Justin Bieber?
"Straight Outta Talent."
How did Justin Bieber hurt his head?
He fell off a ladder trying to reach puberty!
What does Justin Bieber and a Christmas tree have in
common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
Did you hear about Justin's cellmate new sextape?
Its called "Leave It In Bieber"
What does Justin Bieber and the New Years crowd at
Time Square have in common?
They're both waiting for balls to drop!
Why is Justin Bieber so pale?
Because theres no light in the closet!
What do you call a Canadian girl who can't sing?
Justin Bieber.
Why is it sometimes alright to judge a book by its cover?
Sometimes it's named 'Justin Bieber', and you know its
crap!
Why is Justin Bieber like Ms. Pac-man!
Just a token and she's ready to swallow!
How hard is puberty going to hit Justin Bieber?
Harder then Chris Brown hitting Rihanna!
What do you call a girl with testitcles?
Justin Bieber
What does Justin Biebers asshole and his mouth have in
common?
They both produce the same shit!
If someone could convince Justin Bieber to drive
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan off of a cliff, we could
kill two birds with one stoner.
Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a
Snickers bar?
A Snickers bar has nuts!
Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at Sports Authority?
Because he likes Dicks.
If Eminem is the King of Rap, what is Justin Bieber?
The Queen of Crap!
What does Justin Bieber have in common with the
Mississippi river?
They both have beavers stuck up there dirty rivers.
What does Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common?
They both want to be real boys.
What is the biggest lie of 2011?
"Justin Bieber is the father of my Baby" - Mariah Yeater.
What is Victoria's Secret?
(whispering) Justin Bieber is gay!
A teen girl walks into a medical clinic and tells the doctor
she has "Bieber Fever"
Doctor: Nope it is Herpes!
What did Justin Beiber sing to Michael Jackson?
I'm going down, down, down, down
And I just can't believe my first love won't be around
And I'm like baby, baby, baby, oh
How do you piss off Justin Bieber?
Tell him Santa Claus aint real.
How do you REALLY piss him off?
Punch him in the teeth & tell him the tooth fairy aint real!
One Direction. The reason we should've killed Justin
Beiber before it layed eggs.

November 05, 2015, 12:52:50 AM
Reply #21
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"He sings to 9-year-olds, and his hair is like a gay figure
skater." -Will Ferrell
"You act so much like a pussy, Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to
eat you." -Ludacris
"The only place people will be following you in jail is into
the shower." -Martha Stewart
"Justin is worth $200 million, and in prison, that's worth
four packs of Kool." -Shaq
"King Jofrey of pop." -Jeff Ross
"Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she's dating men
now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a
mustache before you? Selena Gomez had sex with [you]
... proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans
just won't do." -Jeff Ross
"Seth Rogen thinks you're a conceited piece of shit, and
he hangs out with James Franco." -Jeff Ross


November 05, 2015, 12:53:54 AM
Reply #22
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Daughter: Hey mom,I'm going to my room with my
boyfriend.
Mom: Ok, don't do anything stupid.
(Boyfriend and Girlfriend enter the bedroom)
Daughter: Baby, baby, baby, OOOH!
(Mom run's into the bedroom)
Mom: What are you doing?!
Daughter: We are having sex!
Mom: Oh thank god, I thought you were listening to
Justin Bieber

November 05, 2015, 12:54:46 AM
Reply #23
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Two odd looking guys are sitting in a small cafe when a
third guy decides to join them
They all get into a heated conversation about their
physical attributes.
One says: I've got the smallest arm in the world!
Another says: I've got the smallest head in the world!
A granola bar has more nuts than Justin Bieber.
The last one says: I've got the smallest dick in the world!
The 3 guys decide to go to Guinness World Records
office.
The first one goes in and returns happy: I've really got the
smallest arm in the world!
The second returns happy too: I've really, got the
smallest head of the world!
The last one returns angry and screams: WHO? THE FUCK
IS? JUSTIN BIEBER?

November 05, 2015, 12:55:35 AM
Reply #24
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OK there is two black bodyguards plus Justin Bieber
heading to Brooklyn for Justin's show.
The two black bodyguards get out of the car wandering
around like thugs and they make there own slang up to
make people scared so they say "We are thugs don't
come next to me if you do you'll become history"
And so after Walking around Justin says "Can I try it and
the two black men say "If you got what it take's man"
And so he goes wandering around so he makes up his
own slang and he say's "I'm white like Micheal jackson I
am all hyped up on mountain yea Ni**a wacko"
As soon as you know it all he hears is pop pop bang bang.

November 05, 2015, 12:56:40 AM
Reply #25
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Justin Bieber can now drive a car, but he still uses a
booster seat!
Justin Bieber dolls have no man parts, nor does Justin
Bieber
Justin Bieber still has baby teeth
There is no light in the closet that is why Justin Bieber is
so pale
Justin Bieber can't eat bananas because he cant find the
zipper
Lady Gaga has Justin Biebers Balls
Justin Biebers nickname is Shotgun, because if you give
him a cock he's ready to blow
Puberty will hit Justin Bieber one day. LOL just kidding
it's rude to hit girls
Justin Bieber used to look cool, now he looks like Ellen
the generous."
Cody Simpson and Justin Bieber once were in a studio
together, by studio I mean a homosexual bathhouse in
Jersey

November 05, 2015, 12:57:20 AM
Reply #26
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Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber
was born. He knew.
Michael Jackson Died at 58, Whitney Houston at 48, John
F. Kennedy at 38, Amy Winehouse at 28. How old is Justin
Bieber again? 18 Right?


November 05, 2015, 12:58:52 AM
Reply #27
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Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber
was born. He knew.
Michael Jackson Died at 58, Whitney Houston at 48, John
F. Kennedy at 38, Amy Winehouse at 28. How old is Justin
Bieber again? 18 Right?

November 05, 2015, 01:00:11 AM
Reply #28
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Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a
stroke, the other one couldn't reach.
Man says to his wife: 'Pack your bags, I've won the pools.'
She says: 'What should I pack? Something light,
something warm? Where are we going?'
He says: 'We're going nowhere. Just pack your bags and
fuck off.'
I don't believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did
hear that when two taxis collided in
Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died
at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quite - 'very sad. He fell out of
the machine gun tower'.
I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right
miserable git. He doesn't like it when you join in.
So David, what about the stick after the Argentinian
game?
Oh, she was fine with it.
I feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when
they wake up in the morning, that's
the best they're going to feel all day.
A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, 'Do you want a
blow job?' He said, 'Will it affect me dole money?'
What's the difference between an Iraqi woman and a
pilchard?
One's ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other's a fish.
I have a pakistani who lives next door to me,
He said the other day to me "I'm a better man than you"
I said "I never said you fucking wasn't, but what makes
you think your a better man than me?"
He said "I don't have a fucking Paki, living next door to
me"
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a
group of kids.
He said, 'For the last time, I haven't got your football.'
I went to Anfield the other day to watch a match. A
scouse lad said, 'Can I mind your car for you mister?'
I said, 'No! And for your information, there's a Rottweiler
in the back.' The lad said: 'Put out fires, can he?'
Theres two fellas running down the road "Help! Help! a
lions escaped"
A passerby said "Which way did it go?"
One of the fellas says "you stupid cunt, you don't think
we're fuckin chasing it do ya?"
"Jackanory stuff, is for wimps. Grown men that work on
building sites don't want to hear 'ecky thump' and 'ooh
dammit'."
"I see they've found Donald Campbell's body - it came
out of a tap in Huddersfield!" Racist? Bigotted?
Unpleasant? No, just a keen and very funny observer of
human life.
A Yorkshire couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday,
but on arrival, the wife says "I won't be able to make
gravy with your dinner, love - I've forgotten the Bisto"
The husband says, "Don't worry, there's an English
couple staying in the next apartment, I'll see if they have
any"
So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and
says to the man" 'Allo, 'hast any Bisto"
To which the man replies "Piss off, you Spanish prat!""
When you tell a joke to a farmer, he laughs three times--
once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once
when he gets it. For farmers love to laugh.
When you tell a joke to a merchant, he laughs twice--
once when you tell it, and once when you explain it. But
although he is polite company, he will never understand
the joke.
When you tell a joke to an officer, he laughs once--when
you tell it. For he never gives you a chance to explain it,
and it goes without saying that he will never understand
it.
But when you tell a joke to a Jew, before you're even
finished he's interrupting you--he's heard that one
before, and "you're telling it all wrong!" So then he tells
you the joke--and in a much better version than your
own.

November 05, 2015, 01:01:43 AM
Reply #29
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Son of bitch kids too God damn smart for me. Sassy-
talking, shaking heads and shit. �Talk to the hand. Talk to
the hand.� See, I'm from the old school, I'll kick a kid
ass. When a kid gets one years old, I believe you have the
right to hit them in the throat or the stomach. if you're
grown enough to talk back, you're grown up enough to
get fucked up.
You know you're black motherfucka when you put
fingerprints on charcoal.
When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes.
They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich.
Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they're back on
the fucking job.
My people I don't know what the fuck is wrong with us.
But when we go on break, that's just what the fuck we
do�. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking
ass. �You seen Johnny?�
�When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with
good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on
the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's
heaven here on earth.�
I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I
believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or
the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you
grown enough to get fucked up!
If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh
outta fuckin' luck wit' me!
I came home at one o' clock in the morning. The two-
year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and
cookies! I'm comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He
gon' walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... [imitates
his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as
his nephew, in a stereotypically gay voice] "To get some
milk an' cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear
him say it again! I said, "some what?" [as his nephew]
"Some milk an' cooooooookies!!'".
I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black
folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna
break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually
means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks
have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be
ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word
"mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place,
or thing!

November 05, 2015, 01:02:56 AM
Reply #30
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Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): [opens the door for
Floyd to leave] get the fuck out.
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): Well, I guess you don't
give a fuck about the money then, huh?
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): What money? It's a
funeral! Don't nobody get paid to sing at no damn
funeral!
[suddenly looks at Louis and raises his eyebrows]
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): How much?
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): Forty grand.
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): [closes the door] Apiece?
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): No, down the middle.
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, NO. That ain't even enough.
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): The fuck you mean "that's
not enough", man?
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): I got a lifestyle to
maintain here!
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): What kinda lifestyle, man?
You filthy motherfucker! You got a pantry full of
dogfood, but I don't see no dog!
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): Dog under the bed,
Nigga! You lucky he ain't attacked your ass when you
came in!
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): YOU THE DOG,
MOTHERFUCKER!


November 05, 2015, 01:04:03 AM
Reply #31
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Ocean's Eleven
Frank (Bernie Mac): You have lovely hands. Do you
moisturize?
Billy Tim Denham: I'm Sorry?
Frank (Bernie Mac): You know, I've tried all sorts of
moisturizers. I even went fragrance free for a whole year.
Now my sister, she uses some kind of uh... uh... uh... uh...
aloe vera with a little sunscreen in it, and ideally, we
should all wear gloves when going to bed, but I found out
that that creates a kind of an interference with my...
social agenda, you know what I mean.

November 05, 2015, 01:04:58 AM
Reply #32
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Ocean's Twelve
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): Let me break it down for you
like a fraction.
Danny Ocean: How much is everyone short?
Turk Malloy: 14.
Virgil Malloy: You're kidding me! You spent all but 5
million?
Turk Malloy: Yes! Are you going to start on me with that
too? You don't know what it's like starting something
from scratch!
Virgil Malloy: Well, with interest, I'm short 7.
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): Eight.
Linus Caldwell: Well, I spent a million on talent
development, so I guess that leaves me at 7. Boy, that
interest just kills you, man!
Basher Tarr: I'm light 9.
Livingston Dell: What's the interest?
Reuben Tishkoff: 6.
Livingston Dell: Then I owe 6.
Turk Malloy: What?
Livingston Dell: I've been living with my parents.
Rusty Ryan: I owe 25.
[everyone looks at him, he chuckles wryly]
Rusty Ryan: Hotels, man.


November 05, 2015, 01:06:00 AM
Reply #33
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Ocean's Thirteen
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): [after Yen spoke in Chinese]
What did he say about Samsung?
Livingston Dell: He said he used to bowl with the owner
of Samsung.
Abigail Sponder: We're gonna have to let you go. Turn in
your uniform.
Fired Waitress: I only gained 4 pounds. You can't.
Abigail Sponder: Yeah, well your body index is not what
it's supposed to be.
Fired Waitress: But Ms. Sponder...
Abigail Sponder: Oh, no, baby doll. It's your butt that's
the problem.
[walks away]
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): [voiceover] You can't fire no
waitress based on appearance. Man that's just
unconstitutional.
Danny Ocean: If they were waitress.
Linus Caldwell: Yeah, they're actually hired as 'models
who serve' so that Bank can monitor their physical
appearance.
Rusty Ryan: It's a cruel, cruel practice.


November 05, 2015, 01:07:00 AM
Reply #34
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Gin (Bernie Mac): Look here, get himy outta here and I'll
go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food
poisoning or something.
Marcus: What do you mean, get him outta here?
Gin (Bernie Mac): Take him to the car.
Marcus: In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking
dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you
should lend a hand hmm?
Gin (Bernie Mac): That figures. You want all kind of set-
asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped.
You're all the same.
Marcus: Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall you
asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of
how I get him to the car, huh?
Gin (Bernie Mac): Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!
Marcus: Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking
Leonardo da Vinci.
Gin (Bernie Mac): What'd you call me thigh-high?
Marcus: I called you a fucking guinea homo from the
15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!
Gin (Bernie Mac): I could stick you up my ass, small fry.
Marcus: Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?
Gin (Bernie Mac): You got some lip on you midget.
Marcus: yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy
last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a
while? Asshole!
Gin (Bernie Mac): We split the dough right down the
middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and
cherry pick.
Marcus: No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the
sh...
Gin (Bernie Mac): This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell
YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!
[Exits]
Willie: Pricks fix?
Marcus: Ah, he's a fucking moron.
Willie: Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?
Marcus: Fuck you.
Willie: Negotiating?
Marcus: You don't like it? Next year, fuck off. I can always
get another box jockey.
Willie: Yeah and I can get another midget too.
Marcus: Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of fucking
trees like fucking crab apples?


November 05, 2015, 01:07:49 AM
Reply #35
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[Stan is in a commerical]
Stan (Bernie Mac): You don't like me because I sign
autographs.
[hits a baseball]
Stan (Bernie Mac): You don't like me because I tell you
what's on my mind.
[Hits another baseball]
Stan (Bernie Mac): But you love me because I am the
greatest hitters alive!
[swings a few more times]
Tom Arnold: Hey, we're sorry about all that stuff we said
before you hit that homer...
Stan (Bernie Mac): Yeah, you wouldn't be anywhere if it
wasn't for Roseanne.


November 05, 2015, 11:43:19 PM
Reply #36
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

November 05, 2015, 11:44:15 PM
Reply #37
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his
father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their
babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The
child then went to his mother, asked her the same
question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we
evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back
to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied,
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

November 05, 2015, 11:45:13 PM
Reply #38
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what
starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies,
"In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what
would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14
paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every two years, say, a red
Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow!
Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you
started it."

November 05, 2015, 11:56:02 PM
Reply #39
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a
sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My
mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke
up, "We are all human beans."


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