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November 03, 2015, 06:18:59 PM
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welcome to laughter junction,
here u will find all type jokes,
enjoy ur stay and feel free to post ur comment and contribution
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« Last Edit: July 01, 2016, 04:21:28 AM by The_Rose »



November 03, 2015, 06:23:00 PM
Reply #1
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Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig,the stick pig,
and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's
house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did!
The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me
in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"
The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm
gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's
house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're
scared!"
So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said, "I'm
gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so
scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few
minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove
up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge
pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to
beat the crap out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick pig, "Who the heck were those guys?"
And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are our cousins, the Guinea Pigs."


November 03, 2015, 06:25:23 PM
Reply #2
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A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through!
Let me through! I am the son of the victim.
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.





November 03, 2015, 06:27:59 PM
Reply #3
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon
flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane
developed engine
trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go
down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that
they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes
remaining. The doctor grabbed
one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in
the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and
full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last
parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to
worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack


November 03, 2015, 06:31:34 PM
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A Man, His Wife And The Cop A man seeing flashing
red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls
to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a
stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says,
"What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man
gives wife dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know
about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail
light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty
look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not
wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to
the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud,
can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am,
Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk."

November 03, 2015, 07:02:16 PM
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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the
baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the
desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got
these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have
I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother,
now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us
sinking, and
long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"



November 03, 2015, 07:04:04 PM
Reply #6
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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping.
He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the
fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait.



November 03, 2015, 07:06:13 PM
Reply #7
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The
doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of
blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for
a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will
say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

November 03, 2015, 07:08:36 PM
Reply #8
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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain
and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the
captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red
shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead
the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although
some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. The men sat around on
deck that night recounting the day's events when an
ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The next
morning, the lookout screamed that there were two
pirate vessels sending
boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the
captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and the
captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time, more casualties occurred. Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"



November 03, 2015, 07:10:06 PM
Reply #9
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The department head is a wise, friendly old man, and one
day, during an
interview in his office he was asked, "Sir, What is the
secret of your
success?"
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." He responded.
"And, sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions.


November 03, 2015, 07:12:22 PM
Reply #10
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Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited
in fact, that
only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he
desperately needed
to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be
excused. Of course
the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed.
"I can't find it", he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram
to where he should
go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy
looked at the
diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and
says to the
teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has
been at the school for a
while, to help him find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later
they both return and
sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well,
did you find it?"
Tommy is quick with his reply:
"Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

November 03, 2015, 07:13:22 PM
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I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip
replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts
with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But... Thank God, I
still have my
Florida driver's license!


November 03, 2015, 07:14:52 PM
Reply #12
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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding
his own
business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes
in and --WHACK!!--
knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The idiot says, "That
was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "JEEZ," but he gets back up on the
stool and starts
drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big
dude knocks him down
AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up,
brushes himself
off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or
so. He comes
in the door and without saying a word, he walks up
behind the big idiot and
--Bong!!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him
out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he
comes to, tell
him that was a crowbar from Sears."


November 03, 2015, 07:15:05 PM
Reply #13
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween
party and decided to take a shortcut through the
cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-
tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with
a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of
the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after
catching his breath, "You scared us half to
death -- we thought you were a ghost! What
are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They
misspelled my name!"

« Last Edit: November 03, 2015, 07:17:37 PM by The_RoseRuleZ_u »

November 03, 2015, 07:21:17 PM
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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He
mentioned the
trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would
anyone want to go
there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go
to Rome.
So,
how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?"
exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are
you
staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms
are small,
the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing
when you get
there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see
the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million
other people
trying
to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy
trip
of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular
haircut. The
barber
asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful,"
explained the man,
"not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new
planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The
food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess
who waited on me
hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just
finished a $25
million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the
city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave
us the
presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to
see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the
Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the
pope likes to
personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind
as to step
into
his private room and wait the pope would personally
greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through
the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to
me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?


November 03, 2015, 07:23:13 PM
Reply #15
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I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to
defy sacred myth,
but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big,
organized,
warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough
time believing a
guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think
about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always
seem surprised to
find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the
shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the
bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
gutted and strapped on
to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the
taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there
in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red
velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to
be seen with
all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described, even in jest,
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's
wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to
pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters
are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous. Definite
guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

November 03, 2015, 07:23:24 PM
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When Seymour passed away, God greeted him at the
Pearly Gates.
"Thou be hungry, Seymour?" saidth God.
"I could eat," Seymour replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of
rye bread and
they
shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour
looked down into Hell
and
saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters,
pheasants, pastries
and
fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Seymour
remained quiet.
The next day God again invited Seymour to join him for a
meal. Again,
it
was tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down,
Seymour could see the
denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb,
truffles and
chocolates.
Still Seymour said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of
tuna was opened.
Seymour could contain himself no longer. Meekly, he
said: "God, I am
grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the
pious, obedient life
I
led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece
of rye bread
and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings!
Forgive me, O
God,
but I just don't understand ... "
God sighed: "Let's be honest, Seymour -- for just two
people does it
really
pay to cook?"

« Last Edit: November 03, 2015, 07:24:52 PM by The_RoseRuleZ_u »

November 03, 2015, 07:26:24 PM
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The audience would
be different each week, so the magician allowed himself
to do the same
tricks over and over again. There was only one problem -
the captain's
parrot saw the shows every week and began to
understand what the magician
did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started
shouting in the
middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look,
he's hiding the
flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the
Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was
the captain's
parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician
found himself on a
piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course
the parrot was by
his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not
utter a word.
This went on for several days. After a week the parrot
finally said, "Okay,
I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

November 03, 2015, 07:27:54 PM
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These four guys were enrolled in an Organic Chemistry
class at Duke
University. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms
and labs, that
each had an "A" for the semester. These guys were so
confident that they
decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party
with some friends
the weekend before finals.
After all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it
back to Duke until Monday morning. Since they were late
for the final,
they decided to make an excuse to the professor so they
could take a make-up
exam. Later on in the day, they found their professor and
explained that
they had gone to UVA for the weekend, but,
unfortunately, they had a flat
tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't
get help for a
long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the
final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that
night and went in the next day at the time the professor
had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them
a test booklet, and
told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points,
something simple about
free radical formation. "Cool" they thought at the same
time, each one
in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each
finished the problem
and then turned the page.
On the second page was: (For 95 points): Which tire?


November 03, 2015, 07:29:07 PM
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One day the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
Rome.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious
debate with a member of the Jewish community.
If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the
Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice.
They looked around for a champion who could defend
their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.
It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named
Moishe to represent them.
Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He
asked only for one addition to the debate.
Not being used to saying very much, he asked that
neither side be allowed to talk.
The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope
sat opposite each other for a full minute
before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay.'
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope
asking him what happened. The Pope said:
'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me
that there was still one God common to both our
religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that
God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that
God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God
absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He
had an answer for everything. What could I do?'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around
Moishe,
amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had
done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!
'What happened?' they asked.
'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here.
I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me
that this whole city would be cleared of Jews.
I let him know that we were staying right here.'
'And then?' asked a woman.
'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I
took out mine.'

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