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July 01, 2016, 04:16:02 PM
Reply #80
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DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup, and pour
 slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

July 01, 2016, 04:16:56 PM
Reply #81
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ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter
how good his manners are.

July 01, 2016, 04:18:06 PM
Reply #82
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PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

July 01, 2016, 04:20:22 PM
Reply #83
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DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

July 01, 2016, 04:21:37 PM
Reply #84
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THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

July 01, 2016, 04:22:26 PM
Reply #85
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WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.

July 01, 2016, 04:23:27 PM
Reply #86
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DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if
the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can,it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.

July 02, 2016, 01:16:24 PM
Reply #87
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and
asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

July 02, 2016, 01:17:01 PM
Reply #88
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One day, a very rich man announced in a party that if
any person present in the party dares to swim across the
swimming pool which has more than twenty crocodiles,
he will be awarded with either half of the rich man's
property or his beautiful daughter.
After a period of silence, the rich man saw a young man
splashed into the pool swimming as fast as he can, with
all his efforts, saving himself from the crocodiles. And at
last, he survived through the pool.
Everybody started clapping. The rich man was overjoyed
with the young man's bravery. He congratulated him and
then asked what do you want, my property or daughter.
To this, the man replied, "Sir, neither I want your
property, nor your daughter, I just want the man who
threw me in the water."

July 02, 2016, 01:21:08 PM
Reply #89
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At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is
giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is
commitment and this is what I call commitment."
An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents
penis.
It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent
poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the
Seargent.
A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you
won't poke me in the eyes."

July 02, 2016, 01:22:03 PM
Reply #90
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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for
his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the
microphone and he announces to his guests that down in
the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with
two alligators in it. 'I will give anything they desire of
mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until
suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he
can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are
snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the
alligators are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end
and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a
man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my
Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the
bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the
millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we
start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

July 02, 2016, 01:22:50 PM
Reply #91
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A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where
he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not
prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to
haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level,
ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes
man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the
shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for
those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while
saw two men with spears, standing still in the water.
'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point
he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one
of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the
gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck
home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the
beach, where several already laying Together the two
guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one
exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes
either!".

July 02, 2016, 01:23:47 PM
Reply #92
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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile.
The bartender goes, "You can't bring that animal in here!"
But the guy says, "Hey, he does tricks. Watch!"
He taps on the crocodile's head, and the beast opens its
mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his
vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile's mouth.
Then he taps on the crocodile's head again, and the beast
closes its mouth.
Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out,
and he goes, "I'll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do
that."
Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts,
"I... I think I can do that. But I don't think I can leave my
mouth open that long!"

July 02, 2016, 01:24:26 PM
Reply #93
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A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and
the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put
an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do
you put a girraffe in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open
the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out,
and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to
the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one
was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?"
Then the student said "No,the girraffe because he's still in
the fridge."
then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a
river full of alligators and you wanted to get across it,how
would you"
The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all
the alligators are at the lions birthday party!"
She laughs and walks away.

July 02, 2016, 01:25:50 PM
Reply #94
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A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where
he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not
prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to
haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level,
ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes
man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the
shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for
those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while
saw two men with spears, standing still in the water.
'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point
he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one
of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the
gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck
home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the
beach, where several already laying Together the two
guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one
exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes
either!".

July 02, 2016, 01:27:03 PM
Reply #95
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A man and his pet Alpaca walk into a bar. It's about 5pm,
but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating
peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks,
and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for
my Alpaca."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back.
Suddenly, the Alpaca falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his
coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that
lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a
Alpaca."

July 02, 2016, 01:27:53 PM
Reply #96
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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was
mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a Alpaca walked up to him carrying the
Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the Alpacaes mouth,
raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a
miracle!"
"Not really," said the Alpaca. "Your name is written inside
the cover."

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